Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Randomize
