I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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