Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
