I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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