So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
