dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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