Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
