if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
