im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
True strength comes from lack of pants
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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