I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
