I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
