Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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