Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Randomize
