Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I touched a dick in church today
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
