i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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