when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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