If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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