you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
