I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I did not marry a roomba.
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