That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
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Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
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I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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