dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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