no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
