I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
