just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
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