Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
