Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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