I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
