i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom