When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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