I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
