Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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