you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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