fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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