it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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