I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
