I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Randomize
