I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
