I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
