here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
