half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
