Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
if i can run in heels then i can drive
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
