I murdered the dance floor call the cops
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Everclear isn't food dammit
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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