we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
