you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Did we literally take a cab across the street
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
