just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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