When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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