if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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