If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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