Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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