Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
