Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Randomize
