She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
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i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
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When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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