you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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