I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Still dying that you shit outside
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
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