Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
They took my balls.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
