stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Randomize
