I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
