We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
