she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
