What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
