Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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