when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
