obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
